NEW THING TO DO, FACEBOOK HAVERS

OMG GUYS, THIS WEEK IS “NIGHT COURT” DOPPELGANGER WEEK ON FACEBOOK.  CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE TO THE CAST MEMBER FROM “NIGHT COURT” THAT YOUR MOTHER THINKS YOU MOST RESEMBLE.

I’LL START – JUDGE HARRY STONE. LOVE YOU , MOM.

Still here.

Believe it or not, I still exist.

I’ve been hiding in plain sight  this whole time.

You looked high and low and found nothing.

You couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

You didn’t stop to smell the roses.

I just ran out of clichés.

Alright, a lot has changed since I last updated this blogspace. I’m trying to recover my groove. I’m making a TV pilot for the heck of it. I’m writing. I switched to soy milk. My fish died. Back to the Future is my favorite movie.

That last one wasn’t a change. I’m just making sure you’re paying attention.

I’ll put a lot more on here as time goes on. For now, enjoy some vids from the upcoming TV revolution, Mistakes By The Lake.

SBTB Clean-Up

OK, so half of today’s post will officially be the final installment of a supposed 3-part series looking into why Jimmy Fallon’s Saved by the Bell reunion idea will fail.  Part 1 and 2 were depressing, seeing childhood heroes in shambles.

Since the last post, Lark Voorhies officially committed to the idea, but I figured that would happen.  The final two cast members to weigh in on are Tiffany-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessica Myrtle “Jessie” Spano).  I will quickly fill you in as to why they won’t (probably) agree to appear.

Thiessen is going to have a full schedule this summer, as a sleazy photographer convinced her to go to Paris for the summer.  This seemed an odd move for an established actress, but the guy was really convincing and even shamed her boyfriend into supporting the idea.

Taking a break from cheerleading, volleyball, and swim practice.

Berkley, on the other hand, may actually want to be part of the reunion, but will definitely oversleep and miss the event.  Rumors around Tinsletown have Elizabeth again popping caffeine pills and staying awake for days, only to crash and throw tizzy fits about not having “enough time”.

She is so scared.

In the absence of these two, a random butch chick in a leather jacket may suffice as a stand-in (and then mysteriously disappear if Tiffany and Elizabeth show up for the last several minutes of the show).

Tori is now a lesbian photgrapher. That is not a joke.

Alrighty, enough SBTB.

Honeymoon in Blog Vegas: Part Two (Revenge of the Hunks)

 

Hey hey, party people. It’s time for Part Two of my examination into why Jimmy Fallon’s plan to reunite the cast of Saved by the Bell will fail.

Before I dive in, allow me to set the record straight about some things. After the last post, I received some flak for the way I demeaned Fallon and his idea. While I may have been purposely knocking on Jimmy the (non)Wonder Boy, I would never do anything to deface the image of SBTB. As an almost lifelong fan of the series (I was two when “Good Morning Miss Bliss” started), I was merely making light of the situation.

Believe me, Saturday mornings of the early 90’s saw a young me plunked down in front of the family television, believing that destiny would someday unite me and Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. My older sister, the SBTB patriarch of the family, would be there too (in her Guess jeans and ESPRIT sweatshirt) hoping that Mark Paul or Mario would freeze time, jump out of the TV and sweep her off her feet.

SBTB watching attire.

 

Personally, I would love to see the gang get back together after all these years. My preference would be some sort of cheesy “Big Brother”esque series in which the cast members are locked together for a couple of weeks on the old set of the Max.

We could throw Haskins a bone and let him host, the cast would have to re-enact scenes from the show, and who knows, maybe Casey Kasem shows up for the finale and throws a friggin’ dance contest. Maybe this time Slater and Kelly will rightfully be named the victors (don’t even get me started on the logical fallacy of awarding 1st place in a dance contest to someone for hopping on one leg, no matter how fetching Lisa was while doing so).

Anyways, “on with the countdown”. Last time I explained why Dustin Diamond and Lark Voorhies are the most likely to appear on Jimmy Fallon’s theoretical reunion show. While still long shots, we have the best chance of seeing them due, mainly, to financial problems they may or may not have.

Today we visit with two more members of the cast. The remaining four are less and less likely to materialize as they actually have jobs, but perhaps Fallon can pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat (as Max used to do with regularity before everyone abandoned his café).

Here we go (Bayside, here we go):

3. Mario Lopez a.k.a. Albert Clifford (A.C.) Slater

 

Since Bayside High closed its doors (at least to the “old class”), Mario has actually been the busiest of the bunch. He was a bicycle cop, Greg Louganis, a couple of sleazy boyfriends, a soap opera doctor, another police officer, a doctor again, and danced with stars. He has also hosted more game/talk shows than anyone in cable TV history, surpassing Wink Martindale.

I’m giving Mario the third best chance of appearing, mainly due to his apparent desire to be seen, in some shape or form, on TV everyday for the rest of history. Possible re-runs of Fallon’s show would bolster that campaign, if only slightly.

I will warn Jimmy that in order to get Lopez to show up, he must be willing to turn around at least one chair on his set so it can be rocked “Slater Style”.

The only way to sit in pleated jeans.

 

4. Mark-Paul Gosselaar a.k.a. Zack Morris

 

The heart-throb. The smooth operator. The scam artist. The leader of the pack. The guy that can call a time-out and freeze the world.

Mark-Paul’s legendary character served as the subject of many dreams for teenage girls in the 90’s, and gave a high watermark of coolness for young men to try and match. Yours truly once went to the trouble of tearing out a picture of Gosselaar from his aforementioned sister’s Teen Beat magazine, in hopes that the barber could cut and style his hair in an identical fashion. I was crushed to find out that my hair was too short and had to leave with the only thing I could otherwise accept as “radical”, a Chris Mullen flattop.

“The Goss” has also worked a lot since his time as a Tiger, having appeared on many short-lived cable dramas (short-lived through no fault of his own!) and a couple of semi-mainstream films. He has a cable television record of his own, having been the abusive college boyfriend in no less than 36 Lifetime movies.

In addition to acting, Mark-Paul has a part-time auto racing career, but has yet to fulfill the prediction made by one SBTB episode that he would become a Vanilla Ice lookalike, only coming down from his hip-hop cloud to visit friends in hospitals.

Fallon has an outside chance of landing him, but only if he is kept completely separate from Dustin Diamond. While horsing around on set with the robot “Kevin” one time, Diamond spilled a glass of grape juice all over guest star Leah Remini, shortening her workday and blowing Gosselaar’s chance of hooking-up. This has never been forgiven.

 

Next post: Tiffany and Elizabeth, the two very vanilla parts of “Hot Sundae”.