Choose Your Own Blogventure: Episode 2

Today’s entry is the 2nd in the Choose Your Own Blogventure series. If this is your first foray into the adventure, please go back and read Episode 1.

In Episode 1, our mysterious main character (mysterious to himself as well) awoke on a train. Imprisoned in a small room, he is addressed over a speaker system and instructed to either help his captor or be left behind.

The readers have voted and the story continues:

Collecting himself again, he speaks, “Okay, okay, I’ll cooperate.”

“Good. If you had said anything else I probably would have just killed you,” the voice says.

He looks up at the speaker in disbelief, still reeling from the shock of his surroundings and lack of memory. The sweat that was beading on his brow now is falling down the slope of his nose and into his eyes.

“I’m kidding, get a hold of yourself. I wouldn’t kill anyone with your abilities.”

My abilities, he ponders, what are they expecting me to do?

“I’ll send someone to help you get everything in order. I’ve looked forward to this. See you soon, Derek,” the voice asserts then stops abruptly, along with the static.

With too much information to process, and being newly named, he stares at the wall just below the speaker. Derek, that doesn’t sound wrong or right. He concentrates on the name, hoping for memories to come flooding back. None arrive.

He slowly pulls himself upright, hands braced on the wall behind him. Standing for what may be the first time in days, the tension in his back and shoulders is almost audible. Being off the floor, he can feel cold air pouring into the room from the slot near the ceiling.

Craning his neck upwards he notices a flashing red light in the corner of the room, where two walls and the ceiling meet. Inspecting closer, a triangular piece of blackened glass is the source of the red dot, along with what is surely a camera. Whomever he just spoke with is watching his every move.

As he stands, he stretches nearly every muscle group, finding his soreness exists head to toe. He stops and lowers his gaze to the floor, nearly chuckling to himself about his situation.

No idea who I am, apart from my name, maybe. No idea where this train is heading. No idea who I’m about to be “helping”. Yeah, no real reason for concern, he thinks with a smirk.

A sudden noise breaks his concentration. He can hear keys being sorted and then inserted into a lock. The wall from which he hears the clamor begins sliding to the left, being on a set of top and bottom rails. Instinctively he sets his back into the recess of an opposite corner.

Light pours into the room from the widening gap, revealing the hulking outline of a man. The door hits the end of its track with a thud and the figure steps into the room.

“Your stuff,” says the man, revealing the face of a veteran prizefighter. He throws a small, red duffel bag at Derek’s feet.

“Since you’ve decided to be a part of the team, the boss sent along some background info for our trip,” he grunts and tosses a small binder near the bag.

Derek relaxes and moves out of the corner. He starts to kneel down when he realizes he doesn’t know what to investigate first, the bag supposedly containing personal belongings, or a dossier of info on the mysterious journey he finds himself a part of.

“He doesn’t have much free time in the next couple of days. I can take you to meet with him if you want, but we’d have to go now. It’s up to you.”

Pausing his reach towards the items on the floor, Derek looks up at the colossus.

Stay and piece together clues as to who I am and where we’re going, or meet with the man who put me here?

He glances momentarily at the floor again. Then, having made-up his mind, Derek returns his gaze to the man and says…

Choose Your Own Blogventure: Episode 1

Today’s entry is the first of an experimental series of narrative fiction in which you, the reader, decides the path that the story takes. It is not a blatant rip-off of a similarly titled series of books for young adults, but rather a re-imagining for our digital age. I think that covers me legally.

He wakes up on the floor in a small, dark, gently rocking room. Sitting up, his forearm strains as he has been resting his head on it for hours. His eyes adjust and he sees that the floor’s metallic surface is covered in a thin layer of grime. Looking upward, he sees similar walls with rust stain scars.

The dim glow allowing him to see comes from a rectangular opening at the very top of one of the four walls. It casts a shaft of light on the wall opposite of where he now sits, collecting himself. Clutching his knees, he notices the muted, rhythmic knocking sounds beneath the floor. Along with the sway of his confines, the noise leads him to believe he is currently aboard a train. This strikes him as odd.

The feeling one gets when awaking in a hotel room on the first night of a vacation can be confusing and minutely terrifying. The walls are an odd color and greet you at unfamiliar angles depending upon the positioning of the bed. Watercolor paintings of sail boats and out-of-place nightstands can cause a momentary panic.

He is currently experiencing a similar sensation, but it isn’t fading. He can’t recall entering this room, boarding a train, buying a ticket or planning a trip. If he had hoped to take a train, he certainly wouldn’t have requested a room of this condition, fit only for livestock.

With the pounding of his heart now apparent in his chest, throat and head, he tried to remember anything recent. Try as he might, nothing comes immediately to mind.

He looks down at the clothing he has on. An outfit consisting of a khaki-colored, loose-fitting cotton shirt and a matching pair of pants make him look like either a nurse or a prisoner. Navy blue slip-ons cover his feet, showing signs of great wear. One hole in particular reveals the two smallest toes on his left foot. The clothes do nothing to jog his memory, only adding to the confusion.

The sharp sound of static breaks his concentration. A voice jumps out from the dark behind him, “Well, it looks like you’re feeling more alert.”

He spins quickly to face his addressor, more quickly than his thumping headache will allow. He winces in pain.

“Are we ready to try this again? We don’t have forever.”

Squinting back at the dark side of the room he just occupied, he tries to identify the source of the voice. He spots it ¾ the way up the wall. A speaker box juts out from the rusty surface. It appears to be newer than the rest of the room, a brushed metal shell that looks recently installed.

“What’s it going to be? The ball is in your court.”

He tries to speak, but has trouble. He can initially only muster something between a sigh and a grunt. His mouth is so dry it’s painful.

Working with his tongue, trying to gather any moisture, he finally speaks, “Wha… what is this?”

“Oh boy, this routine again!” the voice booms, causing the speaker to rattle. “You have put-off your decision for too long. I want your answer now. You cooperate and assist us on the rest of this trip, or we leave you behind. I strongly suggest you consider the first option. We’re about 2 weeks in, and you’re a long way from home.”

Home, he thinks, a long way from home. He can’t recall where home is, or what it looks like. The voice’s ultimatum doesn’t carry as much weight as intended.

I’ve been on a train for two weeks? The amount of time seemed possible, considering the stink he now noticed on himself, along with the dishevelment he displayed. I’m being held captive by someone who wants my help. If I don’t they let me go… but I don’t know where I am or, well, who I am, he thinks to himself.

HOW DOES OUR MYSTERIOUS CAPTIVE RESPOND TO THE DISEMBODIED VOICE? YOUR DECISION REVEALED IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF CHOOSE YOUR OWN BLOGVENTURE.

SBTB Clean-Up / New Endeavor

 

OK, so half of today’s post will officially be the final installment of a supposed 3-part series looking into why Jimmy Fallon’s Saved by the Bell reunion idea will fail.  Part 1 and 2 were depressing, seeing childhood heroes in shambles. 

Since the last post, Lark Voorhies officially committed to the idea, but I figured that would happen.  The final two cast members to weigh in on are Tiffany-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessica Myrtle “Jessie” Spano).  I will quickly fill you in as to why they won’t (probably) agree to appear.

Thiessen is going to have a full schedule this summer, as a sleazy photographer convinced her to go to Paris for the summer.  This seemed an odd move for an established actress, but the guy was really convincing and even shamed her boyfriend into supporting the idea. 

Taking a break from cheerleading, volleyball, and swim practice.

 

Berkley, on the other hand, may actually want to be part of the reunion, but will definitely oversleep and miss the event.  Rumors around Tinsletown have Elizabeth again popping caffeine pills and staying awake for days, only to crash and throw tizzy fits about not having “enough time”.

She is so scared.

 

In the absence of these two, a random butch chick in a leather jacket may suffice as a stand-in (and then mysteriously disappear if Tiffany and Elizabeth show up for the last several minutes of the show).

 

Tori is now a lesbian photgrapher. That is not a joke.

 

Alrighty, enough SBTB.  I’m moving on now to an idea I’ve been kicking around for awhile…

 

Blog Your Own Adventure

 

I’m sure many of you had childhood experiences with the popular “Choose Your Own Avdenture” book series in which a teenager always suddenly woke-up in a strange, dangerous, or exotic location and had to make a choice every 4 paragraphs about how to proceed, causing you to furiously flip back and forth thru the book on your way to a thrilling conclusion.

 

No matter the cover, I always died.

 

I usually got my character killed after only about three decisions.  I don’t know why, but I always decided to fight rather than run, take the uncharted path rather than the clearly marked one, or jump from the plane first rather than wait around for a seemingly unnecessary parachute.  Call me an idiot, but I was just having fun.

Well, I’ve decided to turn this blog (temporarily) into an online adventure chock full o’ choosing.  Here’s the plan: I start off a character (you, my readers) in a situation both exciting and terrifying.  At the end of the post there will be an interactive poll setup for you to vote on the next move, and the next entry in the story will reflect the most popular decision.  It will be like the show Lost or 24, except for that the stuff you usually yell at the screen will now happen in the story!

I want to make sure that this will be a popular feature, so here’s our first poll:

 

 

  

I want at least 10 responses before proceeding.  I think this may be the rule going forward as well (I’d hate to steer the blog’s hero in the direction of slaying a dragon after only a couple of votes, only to later find out a majority of readers wanted to run to the nearby cliff and steal the Duke’s hang glider to float to safety).

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to a matinee of Fast and Furious for inspiration.

 

 

Honeymoon in Blog Vegas: Part Two (Revenge of the Hunks)

 

Hey hey, party people. It’s time for Part Two of my examination into why Jimmy Fallon’s plan to reunite the cast of Saved by the Bell will fail.

Before I dive in, allow me to set the record straight about some things. After the last post, I received some flak for the way I demeaned Fallon and his idea. While I may have been purposely knocking on Jimmy the (non)Wonder Boy, I would never do anything to deface the image of SBTB. As an almost lifelong fan of the series (I was two when “Good Morning Miss Bliss” started), I was merely making light of the situation.

Believe me, Saturday mornings of the early 90’s saw a young me plunked down in front of the family television, believing that destiny would someday unite me and Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. My older sister, the SBTB patriarch of the family, would be there too (in her Guess jeans and ESPRIT sweatshirt) hoping that Mark Paul or Mario would freeze time, jump out of the TV and sweep her off her feet.

SBTB watching attire.

 

Personally, I would love to see the gang get back together after all these years. My preference would be some sort of cheesy “Big Brother”esque series in which the cast members are locked together for a couple of weeks on the old set of the Max.

We could throw Haskins a bone and let him host, the cast would have to re-enact scenes from the show, and who knows, maybe Casey Kasem shows up for the finale and throws a friggin’ dance contest. Maybe this time Slater and Kelly will rightfully be named the victors (don’t even get me started on the logical fallacy of awarding 1st place in a dance contest to someone for hopping on one leg, no matter how fetching Lisa was while doing so).

Anyways, “on with the countdown”. Last time I explained why Dustin Diamond and Lark Voorhies are the most likely to appear on Jimmy Fallon’s theoretical reunion show. While still long shots, we have the best chance of seeing them due, mainly, to financial problems they may or may not have.

Today we visit with two more members of the cast. The remaining four are less and less likely to materialize as they actually have jobs, but perhaps Fallon can pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat (as Max used to do with regularity before everyone abandoned his café).

Here we go (Bayside, here we go):

3. Mario Lopez a.k.a. Albert Clifford (A.C.) Slater

 

Since Bayside High closed its doors (at least to the “old class”), Mario has actually been the busiest of the bunch. He was a bicycle cop, Greg Louganis, a couple of sleazy boyfriends, a soap opera doctor, another police officer, a doctor again, and danced with stars. He has also hosted more game/talk shows than anyone in cable TV history, surpassing Wink Martindale.

I’m giving Mario the third best chance of appearing, mainly due to his apparent desire to be seen, in some shape or form, on TV everyday for the rest of history. Possible re-runs of Fallon’s show would bolster that campaign, if only slightly.

I will warn Jimmy that in order to get Lopez to show up, he must be willing to turn around at least one chair on his set so it can be rocked “Slater Style”.

The only way to sit in pleated jeans.

 

4. Mark-Paul Gosselaar a.k.a. Zack Morris

 

The heart-throb. The smooth operator. The scam artist. The leader of the pack. The guy that can call a time-out and freeze the world.

Mark-Paul’s legendary character served as the subject of many dreams for teenage girls in the 90’s, and gave a high watermark of coolness for young men to try and match. Yours truly once went to the trouble of tearing out a picture of Gosselaar from his aforementioned sister’s Teen Beat magazine, in hopes that the barber could cut and style his hair in an identical fashion. I was crushed to find out that my hair was too short and had to leave with the only thing I could otherwise accept as “radical”, a Chris Mullen flattop.

“The Goss” has also worked a lot since his time as a Tiger, having appeared on many short-lived cable dramas (short-lived through no fault of his own!) and a couple of semi-mainstream films. He has a cable television record of his own, having been the abusive college boyfriend in no less than 36 Lifetime movies.

In addition to acting, Mark-Paul has a part-time auto racing career, but has yet to fulfill the prediction made by one SBTB episode that he would become a Vanilla Ice lookalike, only coming down from his hip-hop cloud to visit friends in hospitals.

Fallon has an outside chance of landing him, but only if he is kept completely separate from Dustin Diamond. While horsing around on set with the robot “Kevin” one time, Diamond spilled a glass of grape juice all over guest star Leah Remini, shortening her workday and blowing Gosselaar’s chance of hooking-up. This has never been forgiven.

 

Next post: Tiffany and Elizabeth, the two very vanilla parts of “Hot Sundae”.