Where Are They Now?

Welcome to the first in a series of segments where we here at the blog invite a down-and-out individual to tell their own story. They’ll expand on what caused their fall from grace, what was their rock-bottom, and what, if anything, they’re doing to rebound.      


This week, DoAsIWrite welcomes Pluto to our page. Pluto, long-time 9th planet from the Sun, has suffered a series of setbacks, stemming from the 2006 decision by a council of peers that it was no longer to be considered a true planet.   Pluto now tells the tale: 

It all started about two years ago with a call from Neptune.  We’ve been friends for eons and I’ve come to trust her on all matters concerning The Nine, or what I should be calling now The Eight, I guess. Through the years there have been strong friendships bordering on gravity-like bonds, and torrid love affairs amongst the various members of the group.  But no matter the intensity, we all always knew that time and space would soon separate us for centuries while we stuck to our agreed upon paths.          

This was just an accepted fact amongst us all.  Being the closest in proximity, Neptune and I have kept the most meaningful, albeit plutonic (as I’m predestined, alas), relationship. So it probably hurt the most getting the news from her first. Her approach was careful, giving me the impression she had practiced before picking up the phone.  

“I’m sorry, it’s just over,” was the bottom line.  I was out.  Too small.  Too distant.  Too unorthodox of a path.  

I guess that I had a pretty good run.  For more than 60 years I was part of the most intriguing club this side of Orion’s Belt. Being a planet is a good life, a very good life.  The royalties from text books alone pays the mortgage and then some. I was set.

And those trysts I mentioned? I had a long-distance thing going with Mercury for a while.  We both knew we weren’t right for each other, she being a flaming ball of gas, and me mostly ice, but we had fun while it lasted. That’s just the type of thing planets did back then, fun for fun’s sake.

Despite being the farthest away, I still enjoyed my share of attention.  Disney named a dog after me, and I didn’t even care that it was the non-talking one. I was popular enough to turn down opportunities that I thought would reflect me in a bad light, even though Eddie Murphy did slip this one past me.  

Things have obviously changed. I was confused at first, but anger soon followed. I even considered going all asteroid on Earth, where the “astronomers” live.  Seriously, those pencil necks wouldn’t know a planet if it bit them.

But I cooled off, as I tend to do being this far from the sun. My immediate problem was lack of funds now that the big-time education money was drying-up. I even lived with my mom for a bit. That was probably my low-point. I went from circling our star with purpose and determination one day, to sitting in my boxers, eating pizza rolls and watching “Mr. Belvedere” re-runs in the den the next.

I think that I’ve come a long way though in just under two years. And when you consider that I really only rotate around the Sun every 248 years, well I’m just saying… 

But honestly, I’m working to improve myself. I’m back in my own place again.  I’m working, not full-time, but doing what I can to pay the bills, maybe treat myself occasionally. I’m basically doing telemarketing, but it’s legit work and I’m not ashamed.

I have also done a little bit of temp work for different moons when they need some time off. It isn’t quite my own gig, but I still feel like I’m mixing it up with the old gang.

I even have an offer on the table from VH1, but I’m not so sure about jumping on-board. They want me to lose weight alongside the dorky guy from “Perfect Strangers”, or I guess the dorkier one, though I’m still not sure which is which. I don’t think this would be the right thing for me. If I ever want a shot at being reinstated, I don’t think I can afford to be any smaller.

That’s about it really. When it comes down to it, I’m just a former planet, or “dwarf” planet as they want to call me now (can’t begin to explain what that does to the ego), who is trying to get by the best way he knows how. 


We want to thank Pluto for his openness. We can’t help but wonder if the Sun ever truly sets on an ex-planet.






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Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Planets

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