Gettin’ Legal

Ok, so I haven’t posted anything on my own blog since man walked alongside the dinosaurs (see: Sarah Palin’s “History and How I Like It”).  But recent events have led me to need some mental ventilation.

Here’s the story: I just recently moved to a new apartment after much thought and consideration.  The lease at my old place ended on August 31st, 2008.  Apparently, the powers-that-be (blood-sucking corporate types) wanted to know that I was leaving the last place with a full two-month notice.  I didn’t realize this at the time (I was in New York City pursuing a matter previously blogged about), and was only able to supply a 45-day notice(allegedly).  

Now, these 45 days would surely seem like enough time to call up the carpet cleaners, buy half a gallon of off-white paint, and find a new idiot to live there.  The carpet cleaning and painting would be unnecessary as I am a very clean and respectful tenant, but I’m giving the jackasses the benefit of the doubt.  

ANYWAYS, I’m not going to belabor the point, because it was technically outlined in the lease, which I technically signed with a technical ball-point pen.  

I’m just not happy with the way things went down.  To make a short story shorter, I gave my notice, eventually turned over my keys, and then sat in my nice new apartment (F.Y.I. ladies, hardwood floors and new furniture, just saying) and waited to see if I’d get back my security deposit.  

Well, more than 30 days later (possibly a violation of Ohio law) I was informed via a rather crass letter that not only were they keeping my money, but they actually required an additional $276.00 to cover what would have been September’s rent if I had stayed there.  If I didn’t pay them within 10 days they planned on sending my shiznit to the in-house lawyer (what a dream job) and pursue me like Tommy Lee Jones in a stetson.  

Now, I should mention that this total of $575.00 plus the deposit/rent of the next person moving in means that the management is really making-out like gangbusters – but they got me bent over and there is nothing I could do… except write a letter (and blog) and put it out there that they are a redonkulous company to deal with.  

Here’s the letter I sent off and their required payment:

 

Dear Ms. *NAME OMITTED*,

I just wanted to thank you for your recent, threatening letter.  It’s uplifting to see that the litigious spirit runs rampant in your workplace and heart. 

I’m assuming that the aforementioned legal threat and attached bill for “Accelerated Rent Charges” stem from my written 45-day notice (according to your records) as compared to the 60-day notice required of me by the lease.  Of course, I could be wrong, as this was never mentioned to me at the time of my notification, when I dropped off the keys on the 27th of August (four days early – what no brownie points?), or even within the letter in question. 

No, instead I was left this morning to momentarily ponder why exactly I was (non-voluntarily) forfeiting my full security deposit, as well as staring down the barrel of a lawsuit and (gasp) wage garnishment. 

For now, I’m overlooking the fact that I wasn’t informed of the status of my original deposit within 30 days of the end of my lease, but that’s another legal issue for another day (probably a Tuesday, which I hear are “Legal Days” over at Applebee’s).  I realize you were probably busy during those four weeks, plugging my name into your form letter and finding a new schlub to fill the apartment, whose security deposit/first month of rent surely made a nice accompaniment to my money. 

I now feel a camaraderie with the downtrodden of society, knowing that even those of us who work hard and pay our bills on time (if not early – as your records should show) can still be kicked squarely in the pants with hostility.  

Don’t fret though; I’m not too sour.  As a young Clevelander who will likely be renting for years to come, there are actually some positives to take away from this unfortunate situation.  I take solace in now knowing that I’ll never again deal with your company and its predatory leasing practices.

I also have informed my friends, and the few dozen young workers at my office who are new to the area, to avoid the Marsol and all K&D properties.  In doing so, I’m comforted in knowing that they won’t be threatened by lawsuits in the future when they end their leases with reasonable 30-day notices.

Thanks again for the service with a smile aggression!  Have a pleasant day, or don’t.

No longer yours,


Tim Forster

 

Attachment: Your money!  (I’m sure that everyone there will be able to sleep now.)

 

 

It's snarky, but I bet they'll cash it!

It's snarky, but I bet they cash it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 Comments

Filed under Humor, Legal matters

3 responses to “Gettin’ Legal

  1. Cara

    HA…lets get married! 😛

  2. Wow. That is awful, and your response, hilarious. I just pulled out my lease to double check that, and my apartment only requires 30 days. 60 is a bit much.

  3. Kyle

    That is, without question, the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I was literally laughing out loud. You have a new subscriber to this website, Mr. Forster. Kudos!

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