Changing Course in the River of Life (Or Getting Out and Drying Off)


Today will be looked back upon as a turning point in my life.


Let’s just allow that statement to set in.  


Change.  We’re all looking for it right now.  Everyone is facing problems.  Some want to fix their relationships, get on top of their finances, switch coffee brands or find religion, while others just want a new job or to find one in the first place.

I find myself in the latter category right now, having already decided the coffee issue (Folgers Instant is the decided winner – c’mon, delicious morning coffee in 2 minutes).  

My moment of clarity came this morning.  After spending 45 minutes to dig my car out from a mid-winter’s snow bank I realized that I’m breaking my back to get to a job that I despise.  I awoke two hours earlier than usual, layered up, forewent eating breakfast and headed out into knee-deep snow to remove my Honda Civic from it’s snowy grave with the intent of then driving at least 2 hours to my place of employment.


Now, I realize that my story is far from unique.  In the greater Cleveland area (the word “greater” being used very loosely), there are roughly a bazillion people who toil away 40-60 hours a week in jobs that they not only dislike, but also often don’t even understand the purpose of.  

We do it to pay the bills, I get it.  And I know that to have a steady job right now is a definite plus, but that doesn’t mean that what we’re subjecting ourselves to everyday is right.

Here’s my larger point: I spent the first several decades of my life doing what I was told to do.  I went to school everyday, learned what has been deemed necessary, got the pieces of paper I needed and then was cast out to the next stage.  

Now I have 50 years left – and that’s according to current statistics, it’s wayyyyyy less if the Mayan calendar proves accurate.  Let’s hope it isn’t though, because my to-do list for life has only one thing checked off: riding a roller coaster in Las Vegas with Josh Groban.  And even that one I’d like to repeat while working on the others.  At the top of the list, and the goal that will likely take the most effort, is flying naked and giving the world a thumbs-up.  The following is an artist’s rendering.


Sun glasses are a necessity this close to the Sun's damaging rays.

Sunglasses are a necessity this close to the Sun's damaging rays.

To succeed, this obviously will take years of planning on the ground, and what will likely be a rather risky trial and error period.  C’mon ancient Mayans, don’t be right this one time, please.  

But barring global annihilation, and if I can keep my nose clean – literally and figuratively – maybe 40 of those remaining years will see a decent quality of life.  While I’m healthy I want to enjoy myself, and only getting to do so 28.6% of the time (2 days a week) is not good enough.  

If you are someone who actually does like what you do for a living, great.  You are in the tiny minority of people who wake up and look forward to working.  You induce jealousy in others when you tell them of your happy existence.  Awesome.  I simultaneously admire and despise you.

I have decided that I am going to join your ranks.  It won’t be easy and I’ll probably have to go back to an all Lipton noodle diet to make it work financially, but I’ll do what is necessary.  Besides, Lipton noodles are delicious and I only stopped eating them because of social biases against eating foods with shelf lives longer than most dogs.  

I’m kicking-around several big ideas to make my own living at this point.  

I’m working on my novel, but haven’t really gotten past what I want the dust jacket to look like.  I’m currently in favor of a red background with the title in green over an image of a fireplace – hey, I think I might be inadvertently writing a Christmas novel, weird.  

A one-man band is a possibility, but in order to make it work I would need those little cymbals that are secured around your lower thigh and crash when you knock your knees together.  Hours on eBay and Craigslist have only turned up regular cymbals and really tiny ones that those wind-up monkeys bang, but nothing in-between.  

Apart from that, I suppose I’d take a job where I get to do something creative like editing, writing, photographing, coloring, or slogan making (Fly US Airways: Even when we crash-land in rivers we keep it classy!).

If all of these fail to pan out, I guess I’ll move to my last resort – being a Ryan Gosling look-a-like at parties and store grand openings.


Is it Tim or Ryan?  You decide.

Is it Tim or Ryan? You decide.



Filed under Humor, Job, self loathing, Uncategorized

2 responses to “Changing Course in the River of Life (Or Getting Out and Drying Off)

  1. Please find something to do in comedy. Stand up or lets start a sketch show. We can be internet sensations. I can be the Donald Faison to your Zach Braff. Keep writing ’em and I’ll keep reading ’em.

  2. Danielle

    You wish! HAHA!

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