NEW THING TO DO, FACEBOOK HAVERS

OMG GUYS, THIS WEEK IS “NIGHT COURT” DOPPELGANGER WEEK ON FACEBOOK.  CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE TO THE CAST MEMBER FROM “NIGHT COURT” THAT YOUR MOTHER THINKS YOU MOST RESEMBLE.

I’LL START – JUDGE HARRY STONE. LOVE YOU , MOM.

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Still here.

Believe it or not, I still exist.

I’ve been hiding in plain sight  this whole time.

You looked high and low and found nothing.

You couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

You didn’t stop to smell the roses.

I just ran out of clichés.

Alright, a lot has changed since I last updated this blogspace. I’m trying to recover my groove. I’m making a TV pilot for the heck of it. I’m writing. I switched to soy milk. My fish died. Back to the Future is my favorite movie.

That last one wasn’t a change. I’m just making sure you’re paying attention.

I’ll put a lot more on here as time goes on. For now, enjoy some vids from the upcoming TV revolution, Mistakes By The Lake.

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SBTB Clean-Up

OK, so half of today’s post will officially be the final installment of a supposed 3-part series looking into why Jimmy Fallon’s Saved by the Bell reunion idea will fail.  Part 1 and 2 were depressing, seeing childhood heroes in shambles.

Since the last post, Lark Voorhies officially committed to the idea, but I figured that would happen.  The final two cast members to weigh in on are Tiffany-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessica Myrtle “Jessie” Spano).  I will quickly fill you in as to why they won’t (probably) agree to appear.

Thiessen is going to have a full schedule this summer, as a sleazy photographer convinced her to go to Paris for the summer.  This seemed an odd move for an established actress, but the guy was really convincing and even shamed her boyfriend into supporting the idea.

Taking a break from cheerleading, volleyball, and swim practice.
Taking a break from cheerleading, volleyball, and swim practice.

Berkley, on the other hand, may actually want to be part of the reunion, but will definitely oversleep and miss the event.  Rumors around Tinsletown have Elizabeth again popping caffeine pills and staying awake for days, only to crash and throw tizzy fits about not having “enough time”.

She is so scared.

She is so scared.

In the absence of these two, a random butch chick in a leather jacket may suffice as a stand-in (and then mysteriously disappear if Tiffany and Elizabeth show up for the last several minutes of the show).

Tori is now a lesbian photgrapher.  That is not a joke.
Tori is now a lesbian photgrapher. That is not a joke.

Alrighty, enough SBTB.

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Honeymoon in Blog Vegas: Part Two (Revenge of the Hunks)

 

Hey hey, party people. It’s time for Part Two of my examination into why Jimmy Fallon’s plan to reunite the cast of Saved by the Bell will fail.

Before I dive in, allow me to set the record straight about some things. After the last post, I received some flak for the way I demeaned Fallon and his idea. While I may have been purposely knocking on Jimmy the (non)Wonder Boy, I would never do anything to deface the image of SBTB. As an almost lifelong fan of the series (I was two when “Good Morning Miss Bliss” started), I was merely making light of the situation.

Believe me, Saturday mornings of the early 90’s saw a young me plunked down in front of the family television, believing that destiny would someday unite me and Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. My older sister, the SBTB patriarch of the family, would be there too (in her Guess jeans and ESPRIT sweatshirt) hoping that Mark Paul or Mario would freeze time, jump out of the TV and sweep her off her feet.

SBTB watching attire.

SBTB watching attire.

 

Personally, I would love to see the gang get back together after all these years. My preference would be some sort of cheesy “Big Brother”esque series in which the cast members are locked together for a couple of weeks on the old set of the Max.

We could throw Haskins a bone and let him host, the cast would have to re-enact scenes from the show, and who knows, maybe Casey Kasem shows up for the finale and throws a friggin’ dance contest. Maybe this time Slater and Kelly will rightfully be named the victors (don’t even get me started on the logical fallacy of awarding 1st place in a dance contest to someone for hopping on one leg, no matter how fetching Lisa was while doing so).

Anyways, “on with the countdown”. Last time I explained why Dustin Diamond and Lark Voorhies are the most likely to appear on Jimmy Fallon’s theoretical reunion show. While still long shots, we have the best chance of seeing them due, mainly, to financial problems they may or may not have.

Today we visit with two more members of the cast. The remaining four are less and less likely to materialize as they actually have jobs, but perhaps Fallon can pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat (as Max used to do with regularity before everyone abandoned his café).

Here we go (Bayside, here we go):

3. Mario Lopez a.k.a. Albert Clifford (A.C.) Slater

slater

 

Since Bayside High closed its doors (at least to the “old class”), Mario has actually been the busiest of the bunch. He was a bicycle cop, Greg Louganis, a couple of sleazy boyfriends, a soap opera doctor, another police officer, a doctor again, and danced with stars. He has also hosted more game/talk shows than anyone in cable TV history, surpassing Wink Martindale.

I’m giving Mario the third best chance of appearing, mainly due to his apparent desire to be seen, in some shape or form, on TV everyday for the rest of history. Possible re-runs of Fallon’s show would bolster that campaign, if only slightly.

I will warn Jimmy that in order to get Lopez to show up, he must be willing to turn around at least one chair on his set so it can be rocked “Slater Style”.

The only to sit in pleated jeans.

The only way to sit in pleated jeans.

 

4. Mark-Paul Gosselaar a.k.a. Zack Morris

zack

 

The heart-throb. The smooth operator. The scam artist. The leader of the pack. The guy that can call a time-out and freeze the world.

Mark-Paul’s legendary character served as the subject of many dreams for teenage girls in the 90’s, and gave a high watermark of coolness for young men to try and match. Yours truly once went to the trouble of tearing out a picture of Gosselaar from his aforementioned sister’s Teen Beat magazine, in hopes that the barber could cut and style his hair in an identical fashion. I was crushed to find out that my hair was too short and had to leave with the only thing I could otherwise accept as “radical”, a Chris Mullen flattop.

“The Goss” has also worked a lot since his time as a Tiger, having appeared on many short-lived cable dramas (short-lived through no fault of his own!) and a couple of semi-mainstream films. He has a cable television record of his own, having been the abusive college boyfriend in no less than 36 Lifetime movies.

In addition to acting, Mark-Paul has a part-time auto racing career, but has yet to fulfill the prediction made by one SBTB episode that he would become a Vanilla Ice lookalike, only coming down from his hip-hop cloud to visit friends in hospitals.

Fallon has an outside chance of landing him, but only if he is kept completely separate from Dustin Diamond. While horsing around on set with the robot “Kevin” one time, Diamond spilled a glass of grape juice all over guest star Leah Remini, shortening her workday and blowing Gosselaar’s chance of hooking-up. This has never been forgiven.

 

Next post: Tiffany and Elizabeth, the two very vanilla parts of “Hot Sundae”.

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Saved By The Bell: Honeymoon in Blog Vegas

Some of the best ideas are formulated in the midst of desperation, and there isn’t a more desperate man alive right now than Jimmy Fallon.  Since taking the reigns from Conan O’Brien, Fallon has been working on formulating a late night identity all of his own.

He has The Roots as a house band (they must have lost the worst bet in history) and apparently he Twitters a lot.  Beyond that, Jimmy needs some help.


Sorry, going to take more than a couple of tweets.

Sorry, going to take more than a couple of tweets.

I will say that I haven’t personally watched more than short clips of Fallon’s show, having gone on a self-imposed NBC embargo since last year.  This started upon receiving the world’s shortest “Thanks, but no thanks” letter from them following a costly trip/interview.  But this is all secondary to my point that Fallon kinda blows.


However, a recent move may pay dividends for the sweatiest young man on TV.  On Friday’s show, Jimmy introduced an idea that I myself have kicked around for several years (unfortunately I’ve had no access to a major network television show to throw it out there).  Mr. Fallon is going to attempt to reunite, on his show, for the first time since the end of the series’ run, the cast of ….


…SAVED BY THE BELL


In the video clip seen here, Jimmy implores the audience to rally around the idea by signing an online petition (apparently television actors are obligated to follow the demands of web-goers with cheeto-stained fingers, as long as they have a petition). He tries to start the movement off with a bang, by introducing the first (and most bloated) piece of the puzzle, Mr. Dennis Haskins, a.k.a. Principal Richard Belding.


While a positive first step, the support of The Big Bopper (Belding’s KKTY DJ moniker for those of you not well-versed in SBTB lore) isn’t going to excite any dyed-in-the-wool fans. Haskins is seemingly strapped for cash and would be willing to appear for any late night TV stunt/Payless shoe store grand opening if the price is right.


The real trick will be convincing the (worthwhile) actors who portrayed the students of Bayside. I’ve painstakingly (randomly) researched (made-up) the reasons why they will be tough sells for Fallon, and rated their chances of appearing. In today’s Part One of a two or three part series, I catch-up with several of our favorite Tigers.


  1. Dustin Diamond a.k.a. Samuel Screech Powers

screech2


Mr. Diamond has had a rough go of it since the end of SBTB. He has tried and failed to find another venue to display his God-given talents (term used loosely). He appeared in some movies you’ve never seen, was cast on several “reality” shows you couldn’t have found with a TV Guide subscription and a private investigator, made a sex tape, and even put out an instructional chess video.


His main passion now, and biggest road block to an appearance on Fallon’s show, is stand-up comedy. Having been unable to find a spot on the national scene, Diamond somehow coerced his way into a permanent emcee spot at Milwaukee’s one and only GiggleHut comedy club. Unless he can find a replacement for an evening, he is booked.


I’m still giving him the best odds to appear though, as the appearance fee would allow him to take a chunk out of the back taxes and utility bills he currently owes. Also, the spread at the craft services table would be his heartiest meal in months.


  1. Lark Voorhies a.k.a. Lisa Turtle


lisa1

Oh Lark, sweet sweet Lark – my wild-card of the group. The only reason I rate her as the second most likely to appear is her lack of recent work. Initially, after SBTB’s run was over she appeared on Family Matters, Fresh Prince, a shampoo commercial, a soap opera, and more R&B videos than you can shake a stick at. Incidentally, one of the videos was Bobby Brown’s “Stick Shaker”. The TV work has recently fizzled out though.


Voorhies did have some success with a music career and apparently she is still pursuing it. Here’s hoping the 2009 holiday season brings “Hark Lark! Voorhies Sings the Xmas Classics” to a Big Lots! shelf near you.

Again, our best hope for her to appear is financial stress, as she has a gargantuan plastic hoop earring collection to maintain and expand.


Check back this week for Part Two of the most depressing look at former child stars ever.

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Let’s Get Physical

Editor’s Note: The following post was produced on a phone while running on a treadmill at 7.5 mph.  Any spelling or logic errors are unintentional and (I think you’ll find) endearing.

Today we’re discussing fitness.  Firness is essential to living a long and happy life.

I’m .6 miles into a run and I’m feeling great! 

There is a very fit young lady in the row ahed and to the left of me.  She knows the value of a healthy lifestyle.  Yes, very healthy.

running-form-treadmill-gait1

 

Ooops, she lookedm at me.  I smiled.  Awkward.

1 mile in, we’re on a roll baby.

Anyways, hte key to starting a new workout routine is being comfortable with yourself.

To acheive this, wear loose (but not baggy!) shorts and a tshir.  I also would look high and low for very suppportive shoes.

Speakin of which, my legs fee heavier than usuall.

1.7 miles

You can also workout to music that energizez you.  Right now I have Arcade Fire on.  They’re great!@

Is it hotter in here than an couple of minute ago?

if youre going to use an ipod, make sure you have a plalylist.  this means you dont have to mess with it.

ipod-3-0912061

2.2 mils

ANd keep a water bottle on hand.  Its for hydraton.  I forgot mine today.

GOSH ITS HOT.

Everone is looking at me,, must be runnig pretty fast. 

Hey fit girle, i see you looking over herew.  rawr.

28 mile

these ligths are really bright. 

you jsurft got to keewp runnig even whan it hruts. 

spinning

hey look ahow good i look..

654trewfdv

 

(Break in entry)

Hey, only a 3 hour ER wait and an IV dinner later and I am feeling great!

Which brings me to my last tip: always bring proof of medical insurance to the gym.

 

 

Seatbelts.

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America: Recessions, Pets and Fast Cars

 

 

You know that feeling when you read or hear something great that you wish you had thought of?  Your enjoyment of the item quickly leads to jealousy, remorse, anger, etc.  That’s the emotion I want to evoke in you, the reader, every time you visit D.A.I.W. to scope my patented blog blasts.

 

In keeping with that goal, I’ve decided to go out on a limb today.  I’m going to be playing ahead of the pack.  My ideas may sound far-fetched, but believe me, they will bear fruit.  So much fruit that you’ll grow sick of it.  You’ll be adverse to fruit the rest of your life.

 

"Eww" will be your response to this display.

"Eww" will be your response to this display.

 

 

 

 

Ok, here we go.  I know America is riding pretty high on the hog right now.  Admit it, we’re kicking major tail and living without regrets.  The USA has the fastest cars, the hottest single hotties, and we’re gradually making our case for “Best Dressed”.

 

However, I foresee some trouble.  I’m not thrilled to be the one to say this, but after reviewing the nation’s money figures (industry term), I am forecasting an economic s*** storm.  To put it lightly, we’re going to be ThunderStruck™. 

 

Money is going to be tight, you may lose your job, a gallon of milk will cost you $8.  It won’t be pretty.  Decisions will arise that never have been dealt with before, like choosing between feeding your dog or paying for cable TV.  I’m sorry dogs – your days are numbered. 

 

Sorry pal, Next Top Model is better than you.

Sorry pal, Next Top Model is better than you.

 

 

 

 

 

But we don’t have to feed into the ensuing panic.  Money isn’t everything, and that’s what I want you to remember as we navigate the stinky waters of a recession. 

 

You are more than just what is in your wallet.  I, for example, am also made up of peanut butter.  Roughly 19% of my body is the sweet stuff.  I will stop paying my car insurance before I reduce my PB intake, so don’t even try me.

 

My point is a balance sheet doesn’t make a person.  A person makes a balance sheet.  Then, based on its findings, they can crumple it up and toss it or set it ablaze.  That all boils down to personal preference. 

 

Be Poor, Be Proud.  Do it for you, and do it for America.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then again, none of this may happen – we could be fine!

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